Rules of Etiquette for Inexperienced Cats
 

• If you have an upset stomach, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug or Shag is good.

• Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He/she won't dare push you off, and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can, arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.

• For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors that contrast with your own.

• Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

• Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.

• If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get close under chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.

• For people doing homework, sit on paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table - pens, pencils, stamps - one at a time.

• Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 and 4 a.m.

This is an excerpt (that Cali & Punky insisted on posting) from the Orange County Register.
It was given to me by my friend & one time co-worker Phil.  Thanks Phil!